"..So here
I am
Don't know
how to
say this.
The only
thing I
know is
awkward
silence.."

Getting it all out - 07.11.2004//9:41 pm

Okay, are you ready for another long entry? There is so much on my mind right now it's crazy. Uh yeah, the crappy trip was explained in the last one if you're interested.

So...Shane. He was being an asshole the entire trip, and he snapped at me several times when I asked him what was wrong. He told Marshmallow that I'm 'not [his] damned girlfriend anymore' and told Dean I was being 'cold and heartless'. So I told him that I was glad that after Thursday I never had to see him again. Nothing more was said, we ignored each other pretty much for the rest of the trip. Then this morning I get this message "i'm sorry if i've been difficult but i really was genuinely trying to still talk with you. im sorry we ended on a bad note." mm, yeah ok whatever. So I sent this back "i am tired of being the one that cares. you once said i couldn't quit drugs, and i have. im changing my entire life and if you cant be supportive then i dont need you. maybe i am 'cold' like you said, but i'm just finally looking out for me. i think you said it best, im not your damn girlfriend anymore." and then later "i didn't mean for that to sound like..i dont want to see you but if thats what it takes.." No response, and I probably wont get one. And you know, that's fine by me. I said what I wanted to, and I am perfectly content with things ending completely between us now.P>

Andy. Sam's ex boyfriend. We talked almost the entire trip. At first it started off just being funny, he said that she used to wear his ring on a necklace, so I did for a night and she saw it. By the end of the trip I got asked either "Are you two going out?" or "What's the deal with you and Andy?" We talked about everything, and we're going to hang out and see what happens between us. We both got out of really long complicated relationships, neither one of us want to jump back in any time soon. I would be content if we were just friends. He said if things happen between us, I need to first stop partying, and the whole sex thing bothered him (but i didn't tell him about Spencer). I'm not screwing anyone for a long time. And partying, well, I am so ready to give it up.

He is so smart. He got 2 32's on his ACT. He has a full scholarship to the U of A, and has enough credits already to be a Sophomore. He's going to major in business and minor in I think computers. I was telling my g-ma about him, and showed her a picture of him. She said he was cute! Haha.P>

My g-ma and I had a great talk this afternoon. I finally let all my fears out to her. I told her about how I don't think our church is right, and how I'm questioning everything. How can you prove that God is real, or that the Bible is real? She said the answers were in the bible. Well if I don't think the Bible is real, then how am I supposed to read it? I actually told her all of this. She agrees with most everything I said, about how it can't be forced upon you, and how everyone wanders off. She told me that she didn't go to church for about 10 years, which is VERY VERY hard to believe. I don't know, I need to go out and find it on my own.

I have to finish my forms for the U of A so I can get into orientation. I HAVE to do this by tomorrow. I've been putting it off because I don't want to go, but I have no choice. It's just all so scary to me. School starts in a month and a week. It seems like I just got out. I can't believe that my baby brother will be in high school and about to drive. Agh. Anxiety, here we come.

I'm temporarily moving out of my house. For at least 2 weeks anyway. I'm going to stay at my sister's apartment. She's always at her boyfriend (soon-to-be fiance)'s house anyway. I can go swimming and watch her cat for her. And I haven't really had time to hang out with her since she moved out 3 or so years ago. Things at my house have just gotten so out of hand it's crazy. This place depresses me more and more every time I come home (which is rarely because of this).

When I go to her house though, I can't go out partying, I can't stay out late, I can't smoke (!). Good. The only times I've gotten high in the past 2 months is when I was drinking, so that's out of the picture. I can even sit there when everyone is smoking it and pass it, I've done that 3 times this week! This is a big milestone for me, I'm proud. Quitting smoking, now, I need to do this. I really want to this time. I think I can do it. Especially if I'm not hanging out with AM, which I won't be. This will all be for the better. I think my g-ma was right, I am to smart for drugs.

I need to go clean my room desperately, but I'm to damn lazy. Sad huh?

<<< lost && looking >>>

Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004