*t* (triggering, for those out of the loop) I cut last night. I had been resisting the urges so hard, but I lost the battle last night. I just couldn't handle anything. I sat there and stared at my blade for 15 minutes knowing that it's wrong, knowing people will see when I go to DC, knowing I was going to do it anyway. I cut my leg but it wasn't the same, then I cut my arm and hand but it wasn't the same. And now I have 4 on my wrist as well. But you know what? Fuck it. I used to be so embarassed by them, but now I'm..not proud but for lack of a better word. They scream "hey, I'm hurting inside and this is my release".
I can't handle this anymore. I just can't do it. I give up. Do you hear me??? I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE LIFE ANYMORE. I want it to end more than anything. But more bad things is going to happen, I just have that feeling. Sadly, it's not going to be towards me, but someone is going to get in a bad wreck but not die. I just know it.
Anni's funeral is Tuesday morning, and Shay and I are going to get out of band and go. I just can't believe it. She had a heart attack and just fucking died. She had a smiling face, even when she was mad. Who is going to walk up to me when I'm having a bad night and say "it's okay, people are assholes" and walk off singing? It doesn't seem real. I just can't grasp it.
July 4th was the last time I saw my g-ma okay. The last time I saw my aunt alive. 5th will be my g-ma's 2 year anniversary of her accident. 8th will be 11 months that my aunt's been dead. And I'm going to be in fucking DC for all of it. I just can't handle this trip right now, not now that everything is messing up.
I'm going to go lay on my trampoline for a little bit listening to "your stories my alibis" by matchbook romance. Stupid title, but the words/song is great. It looks like there will be no sleep for me, even though I didn't sleep much last night and I have practice in the morning then a concer tomorrow night.
Lie to me
Give me something worth living for
Tell me a reason worth fighting for
Give me anything
Anything to keep me breathing
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004