What is recovery anyway? What's truly being sick? Was I truly sick? It was all in my mind. I hated everything, including myself. I wanted to die. I thought I was the fattest thing on earth, and I was thoroughly convinced of that. But here I am. I don't want to die. I wouldn't say I am recovered or in recovery by any means, but I'm not sick anymore. I guess I'm in the stage where I think about it all the time but I never act on it.
I wonder what it's like to eat and not feel guilty. To put something in your mouth and not think "fat. You're fat and you don't have the power to do anything about it. you fat fuck. i hate you. i wonder how many calories you're eating. and i wonder how much your fat ass weighs" it must be nice. Dont take that for granted.
Ally called me and said they're having a get-to-know-you guard party Thursday night. No Sarah and no Shay. I am not social. I hate being around people my own age (or any age for that matter). I wouldn't go. But I had an impulse and acted on it before my brain thought it out. I called Ally back and said I'd come. I even got off work. I can't stay very late in the morning cause I have to work that night.
And I just now remembered that I have an appt with DrC. She'll be so proud of me for going to this party. It's a big step to go out.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004