"..So here
I am
Don't know
how to
say this.
The only
thing I
know is
awkward
silence.."

my friends - 10.30.2003//10:42 pm

I went and visited my AD�s grave yesterday. It was, emotional. The tombstone is very pretty, it�s huge. It�s so hard to see her death in stone, because I could easily live in denial. The grass hasn�t started to grow over her yet. I think that will make it hard. But yesterday was also good as well. I got to say all the things that I should have said a long time ago. How I always thought she hated me, and wondered most of my life what I had done to her (nothing). How almost every night I prayed that I would get sick instead of her because she has a family that loves her and I have no one. All the things that I kept inside. And I feel better about things now. It was just so weird standing next to the grave, knowing that she was lying there. The ground was so level, it�s like there wasn�t even a body down there. I just can�t describe it, it was a very weird experience. I left a bright pink rose on her grave, because she always loved flowers. I bought three. I put one on my great-grandmother�s grave (I hadn�t been there in 4 years, I didn�t remember where it was). I put one on AD�s grave. I kept one. I also tore off a petal of the one I left on her grave. Just a reminder.

I don�t know what I�m going to do. I have one friend who is through with guys forever I think. And then there�s another one who wants a boyfriend so badly, she thinks that it will solve all of her problems and she�s so miserable when she sees couples (her words, not mine). And here I am, I have a boyfriend who cares about me, and I feel guilty. Horrible. Selfish. Like my friends should come before my happiness. Which is what I have thought all of my life: who cares if I�m happy just as long as others are. And this is the reason I started pretending like life was perfect, so others don�t worry about me. And then there�s times like this where my facade is broken and people freak because I�m depressed.

I feel so selfish for telling shane exactly what I feel right now. Like I shouldn�t bother him, shouldn�t waste his time because I am not important, he just needs to see that. I shouldn�t pull him into my struggles, because he didn�t do anything to deserve them.

He just made me realize something. I have created all of my problems. I cannot blame them on anyone else. He said �you care too much about others and not about yourself. People expect you to solve their problems� yes because I have been for so long. And it�s catching up and I�m trying not to go crazy now.

<<< lost && looking >>>

Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004