Well. I have a lot of things to think about tonight. And now I can�t remember what they are. I got back from seeing my shrink. I don�t know if this is going to work out or not. I mean, she has suggested some things, but nothing will help. I feel like it�s a waste of time and money. And now I�m starting to feel crazy for seeing her. But it�s only been 3 times.
I told her about some things. About how I must put others feelings and emotions and needs before my own. I have to stop doing that. But I don�t want anyone to be mad at me. But sometimes I wish I could just say �Fuck off!� to certain people. We also discussed my brother. She is so funny. Not only has she gotten drunk before..we were talking about Brother and she said �what would you want to do to him� and I said �I don�t know� and she started naming things and said �even though you�d like to kill the fucker?� that was interesting. I noticed today that I couldn�t concentrate on a word she was saying. She told me to notice how my sandals feel against my feet, and all I was thinking about was how I need to wash them. It was like that the entire time.
She asked me why I was depressed, and I couldn�t say it. I can think it and write it all I want, and I can even say it out loud to myself. But I can�t say it. I can�t say I HATE MYSELF AND I AM A FAT COW. I couldn�t say it to her. So I told her I didn�t want to talk about it. That struck me as odd though.
And is the equation fat=ugly really true? I think that I am fat and that makes me hideous. I know so many �bigger� girls who are beautiful, some of the most charming wonderful people ever. Why doesn�t this apply to me?
Well I have to go get ready to see Finding Nemo with my aunt, cousin, �adopted aunt� and her granddaughter. My adopted aunt moved here and doesn�t have any family that lives around here, and she�s my aunt�s best friend, so she comes for holidays and such. She�s a blast. Everyone should have an adopted aunt.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004