my dad said there was no way in hell I'm going to California this summer. FUCK HIM. :ahem: I went to the doctor today, again. I have pharyngitis. Whatever. Just take my damn tonsils out already bitch (they're really inflamed).
I tried to go to Wal-Mart today to get my medicines filled. I couldn't. I got in my car, drove there, and drove straight back. I couldn't get out and go in there. I couldn't stand the thought of someone I know seeing me. That is my fear with things. I can't go anywhere by myself. I just can't do it. I just knew that if I would have gotten out of the car and went in there I would run into someone I know and have an anxiety attack. I could feel it, it was going to happen. I HATE THIS! maybe it was for the best because i was going to get binge food. but I hate this overwhelming anxiety that i am just going to die if I run into someone I know. So if you see someone with her head down in wal-mart, or the mall, looking like she's trippin on drugs, that's me. Christ, I have mild anxiety just *thinking* about going somewhere like that.
Last night there were some good storms, they didn't last long though. And of course they have to come while i'm on the computer having a very interesting conversation about streaking in front of your friends.. I went and played in the rain. Shane was right, it was cold.
Speaking of which, it just fucking thundered. Fuck me in the ass. Ok I like that phrase too much. I'm really not in a bad mood.
Deeper stuff:
borderline
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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doesn't that figure? I mean, that's me exactly. Except, you know, I have a psych now (who i don't think is helping..did i already talk about this?) Yes, I SM, so what?
DrC (therapist) asked me why i was depressed, and just couldn't say that i hate myself (quick recap, read yesterdays entry). She also asked me how I cope when my brother makes me so angry. I said "I stare at the ceiling and listen to music" what i should have said if i want to be completely honest was "i cut myself, scream, cry, and then stare and listen to music" I lie. Oops. I think it would be a lot easier if I just wrote DrC a note saying that i hate myself and i think i'm fat. i feel stupid for saying "i'm fat" because i don't want to hear the counter. I guess it links back with if I say it outloud then it must be true thing.
I am sick. in the head. i am messed up. i needed help when they offered it 2 1/2 years ago. when i was even worse. and somehow i want to go back to that. 9th grade was awesome. well, minus going out with The Narcissist. But in the moment even that was good. When I still talked to the only man i would still jump today. Not that he was cute, he was okay, but god we connected on so many levels. and we'd talk about sex all the time. Can't get any better than in jr high saying to someone who's in High School "lets have a fling and not tell your gf or my bf" ah, i miss those days.
Ok flight of ideas again. I wish that I could just tell myself 'hey stop eating forever' and it work. but it won't. i don't try to fool myself anymore, like i used to. I know that it won't happen. The last time i said that to someone was Laura and she freaked out and said some pretty nasty things.
i am so stupid. really i am. guess what? I AM STUPID. I can say that and I know that part/most of that is true. I am stupid in lots of things. Everything else I am stupid in. Life, eating, taking care of myself, I flunk them all. Kinda sad when you put it that way huh?
ok so much for not having enough to say tonight huh?
while i'm on a rambling mode, lets talk about..hmm, needs a name. we'll call him NAN (needs a name, get it?). so NAN and i have been hitting it off lately. He is so sweet and kind. I can't help but fall in love with him. But I can't. I know it won't work. I would name some reasons but then you'd think i'm a freak. He's a conservative, goody-goody, bg, doesn't drink or do drugs and hates smoking type of guy. I am not any of these. I have to keep reminding myself of these things before I blurt out to him one day "by the way I LOVE YOUUUU" cause I would probably.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004