"..So here
I am
Don't know
how to
say this.
The only
thing I
know is
awkward
silence.."

the story so far...part 2 - 08.10.2003//12:26 am

I don�t know if I should pretend to be happy in here or tell you what happened. I want to tell you both but they contradict themselves. I�m going to make two entries because I cannot put them on the same page. This is entry number 2. Please read the first one before reading this or some of it won�t make sense. Thank you.

So much has happened in 15 hours that my head is spinning. I got 1 � hrs sleep on Thursday night. I had to get up for band and went until 11:30. C and I went to see my g-ma (so obviously C isn�t pissed at me).

She�s back in the hospital, my g-ma that is. Because of the pneumonia I thought. Her kidneys are shutting down because she�s had so much medicine lately. I went in there to see her and she could hear me but can�t respond. She�s only opened an eye about 5 times since Wednesday. I can describe it as she�s in a responsive coma. Pretty much that�s it. It was so sad. I cried so hard. I hate seeing her like that.

I get back and I call my aunt beth to tell her I made it back (she wanted me to). She said that my AD had died.

My AD died last night around 9. I can�t comprehend that. She always made it through everything. I went over to their house today and my cousin Kels was acting as if nothing had happened. She has better coping skills than I ever will. Seriously, I was more sad than she was (acting). I can�t imagine my mom dying and being okay like that. I guess we all knew it was coming and she braced herself for it. I�m sure she cried all night. But she acted fine today. I couldn�t.

I have so many emotions right now but I can�t relay them in to words.

They�re trying to get a visitation for the family tomorrow. Then the regular visitation is from 6-7 Monday night. The funeral is Tuesday morning at 10. Which means I have to get out of band. Which is fine by me.

I can�t believe all of this is happening. I�ve been trying to stay away from my house because I don�t want to deal with any of it. Which is why I�m going out tonight to hang out with C and Scott. And why I haven�t written anything back to anyone. And why I haven�t read anyone�s diaries and probably won�t for a while. Sorry to all.

It really doesn�t seem like this is real. She�s beat it so many times before.

<<< lost && looking >>>

Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004