I hate feeling this way. I hate thinking that no one cares. Which I think is true.

Tonight at work I broke a glass. I kept a piece and sat it on my cup. I wanted to feel the blood. The feelings running out of me. All the emptiness inside poured out for everyone to see. But then they threw it away. They took away my only tiny piece of sanity I have left.

Suicide seems so selfish. So 'everything is bad I want it for attention'. But right now I don't even care.

How will I ever make it through school? My sanity cannot take another year, another day, of faking. I cannot put on my plastic smile any longer, pretending that I am happy and everything is okay. Because it is not. My insides scream to be let out, to show the real me.

And if I stopped pretending? I'd lose my job. I'd lose my friends. I'd be completely engulfed with depression and stoop back down to where I've come so far from.

<<< lost && looking >>>

Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004