I feel so utterly alone. Yet if I talk to anyone I want them to go away. I have been pushing people out more that usual. I shouldn't do this, it doesn't help me at all. I think that I might cry if I have to talk to anyone.
I hate feeling like this. And it's more now than it has been. I'm not even sad about one particular thing, it's just everything in general. You would think since I made it I would be happy. And I was. For about 30 minutes.
Sometimes I just wish that I wouldn't wake up. That the world would just stop. And it's even more depressing to know that it won't, and you'll be there in the morning.
Sitting here now, I don't know how I put on a facade every day. Sometimes I am truly happy, but not very often. Maybe my faking skills are gone. I just don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me anymore. 99% of my guy friends think I'm a slut anyway. If they don't think it then they sure as hell say it enough for me to believe they think it. And I'm not a slut, if you were wondering. I don't mess around with guys. I think that is totally wrong. I am still a virgin, and that's what makes me mad about them always saying it. If I would have had 15 boyfriends since last year, then I would understand. But I haven't. I've had one.
I don't know. Everything is bothering me. I don't want to type anymore. I'd like to lay down. If I go in my room I will listen to The CD. And then I will get more depressed and cut again. I don't want to. But i cant keep tying this incesstant rambling.
I hate people worrying about me. But at the same time them worrying is the only way I know they know I'm not who they think I am. I hate worrying Shane. Like I did just now probably. I just can't deal with anything. I wish I could tell him this but I can't. I'll start crying again if I talk to anyone.
I am such a selfish bitch. I really am. I lead him on, then tell him I don't like him. I tell him I love him but I'm sorry and then get off line. He should just dump me. He deserves someone so much better than me. I am nothing.
I am disgusting. Rude. Selfish. Annoying. Whiney. Bitchy.
Please find someone better than me.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004