ok now i'm really crying. I asked Shane to shoot me and he said no because what would he do without me. I said "live happily ever after" and he said no. I asked him why and he said: "because you're all i've wanted since i met you. and if you weren't here, i would be very sad and depressed"
this makes me very upset because I don't want to be here. I think I'd be better off dead. I don't want to live. I did not ask for this life. I feel so helpless. I cannot handle having my moods change every other day. Because every time I am happy it just makes the lows so much lower.
This is all just a big front I put up. No one gives a fuck what the real me is like. And you don't know how this feels. It feels so utterly dark and depressing. I feel so alone right now, I don't think it's possible to feel any worse than I do right now. And tomorrow starts 6 days of sucking it up and pretending to be ms-perfect.
people expect way too much of me.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004