I�m a weirdo. I have weird eating patters. Like, I hate it when I eat. I can�t stand the fact that I put things into my mouth. Yuk. Oh wow I sound so childish. I wish I didn�t have to eat. I saw this girl at school today, my new found idol. It was really disturbing though. She was tiny and she was wearing this low cut shirt. You could see her collarbone AND rib below that. It was disturbing. Which lead me to thinking about all of this. And earlier, I freaked out because I sat a bowl out so I could get some food and left for a minute and my mom was eating out of it. I said �fine whatever� and went to my room and though �oh well I�m a fat fuck-up, I don�t need the food anyway�. Wtf? I haven�t thought like this in a while. It seems like recently it�s been a bigger struggle.
The other day Shane put his hands on my waist and I cringed. He asked me what was wrong, and I couldn�t tell him. I couldn�t say �please stop it. Stop touching all that fat. I am disgusting don�t touch me�. Usually I just pass it off as I freak when people touch me anyway. Can he really not feel and see all this hideous fat? I don�t understand. I am so disgusting. Meh.
Man, I�m doing it. I�m saying this stuff to make myself feel bad so someone will tell me that I�m not. Fuck me. I don�t mean to be doing this! Agh.
I�m trying to remember what Jon said. That a guy being jealous means that he likes you for real. Just the way Jon said it, I know it�s true. I just..I don�t know. Everything is so messed up in my life! I need someone to talk to but no one will listen to me because I sound like a fucking broken record. I can only whine about my misery for so long. And I think I�m to that stopping point. Then what? I�ll probably shoot myself.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004