I don't even know what's wrong. I've been in a blah mood all day. Started to read my new book "blue shoe" and my cell starts ringing. It's shane. I turn my phone off. I read for a little bit, but I have no idea what I read because I was wondering why I turned the phone off. I turn it back on and listen to the voice message. Saying "hey babe, just got off work. Thought i'd say happy 2 month. I love you. bye." I started crying. I don't know why. I'm going to hurt him so much, I already have. Just checking my away messages online, one from him that says "hey..why don't you want to talk to me?" It's not you darling, it's everything. I am so tempted to IM him back and say "don't you get it? it's not you it's every little fucked up thing in my life hitting me at once." but I can't. I said "you really dont get it. it's not you, it's not anyone, it's nothing and everything at the same time" he said "I don't understand" I don't even have the emotional energy to explain it. I have cried too much. There's no words left in me I think.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm dreading it so much. I wish work was open Thursday so I could go there instead of hang out with my family. I'm not doing my feelings justice. I am absolutely dreading Thursday. I just can't do it. I can't handle all the new things going on, not at the same time. I can barely handle getting out of bed in the morning. Sometimes I can't even do that.
My g-ma is coming down for Thanksgiving, for a few hours. It's going to be so hard when she has to go back. I'm dreading it so much. I really don't want to go. I don't want her to come. Yes, you read that right.
My AD isn't going to be there either, obviously. I'm going to go visit her grave Wednesday, since we don't have school. Is there ever final closure, where it doesn't hurt to think about them? When it seems like them being gone is normal? This is the first holiday that she won't be there. That's going to make it even harder, on top of my g-ma coming.
I have five lovely new gashes on my arm. They don't even help. They make me feel numb, empty inside. At least they show people the pain inside, the words that I cannot express.
I can't do this. I feel like I'm going crazy. I really wish that I had some weed about right now. I don't care, I would sit on my bed and blow the smoke out my window and get caught for all I care. Just anything to take this stupid numb empty feeling away. Drugs, anything. I need something. I am shaking and I hate this and I can't concentrate and I am getting so frustrated because I can't think of any of the rights words or anything to say to him.
I can't go to school tomorrow. We only go 2 days this week. But I can't. I can't handle the pressure of anything right now.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004