So now what? Where do I go from here?
I have neglected to mention that I�ve been restricting again. Not much, just watching how much I eat. I�m not as obsessive as I once was. But I can feel it again. Maybe I should say this first: I was in recovery for about 3 months. I didn�t really care what/how much I ate, as long as I didn�t think about the calories, which I didn�t. Sure, the �fat cow� thoughts were there but they were slowly disappearing. And now I feel it coming back. I lost 3 pounds in 5 days. Which I know doesn�t sound like a lot, but it is for me, to me.
I know I�m going to get sucked back into this disease. Right where I don�t want to be, where I�ve come so far from. And you know what, I don�t care. I want to be skinny. I want to feel good about myself. I want to see that low number. Yes, I want people to notice me, notice what I�m doing so they can see how much pain I�m in.
I realized a sad fact today, and I almost started crying. My scale was messing up and it read 13 pounds lighter (it�s digital, what do you expect?) Even with that number that showed up, I was so disappointed. Ashamed. I really wish that I could just give up on eating. It�s such a stress for me, but I seem to do it enough.
I keep thinking of Shane, of something that happened between us once. I don�t remember when it was, but we were talking and he said something, I forgot what, and I said �oh yeah and I�ve got the scars to prove it� and showed him my wrist. That�s the only time that I�ve shown him any of my scars. The look on his face, I will never forget it. I guess I must seem like I�m completely better now. When I say �please don�t touch me/how do you stand me�, it�s not the same. The eating disorder never comes up anymore. The other night I told him I couldn�t handle anything, that I wish that I would just disappear. He didn�t ask me if I was okay, or if I was going to do something stupid.
And with the ed coming back, now what? Do I just hide it from everyone and deny that I have a problem? I know damn well that I do. And it is so scary knowing that I could save my life by just saying no to the bad thoughts. And I also know that I won�t. I�ll go down this path, end up hating myself even more, if that�s possible. I just wish I could disappear....
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004