"..So here
I am
Don't know
how to
say this.
The only
thing I
know is
awkward
silence.."

fuck me in my own way - 01.08.2004//9:47 pm

Words cannot express how badly I hate myself right now. After writing in my other diary, I've decided that I should die. Yeah, that sums it up. I've fucked things up between Shane and I. I want him so bad I can't stand it, but I can't go out with him again. Sarah, the one that's said from the very beginning that we were going to end up getting married. I said something to the effect of us getting married, and she said "no, I won't let you. you'd be married and divorced within two years." Well you know what, fuck you.

And Michael. I've told some people that he said things to me, but I never said exactly what. I deleted it off my disc, so only he and I know what exactly was said. He hasn't so much as looked me in the eye. I want to die when I see him. He shouldn't have this hold over me; I think it's just because I feel guilty.

I really need to get a life. Why isn't my life funny or amusing like some? Why does nothing eventful ever happen to me. maybe I should try being preppy:

Like OMG, today I like decided that like my life was like, sooo bad and like cut my wrist! omg I'm crazy! Now I have like these really bad, cross like things on my like wrists! LOL isn't that great!

Ok, maybe I shouldn't try it. Which that is true, up there. One on each wrist.

I'm losing my friends. Sarah throws everything back in my face, things from when she read this. That's why I locked it. She talks to Shane for an hour and a half, then changes her view, saying that I should stay away from him. What the fucking hell Sarah? I don't get you sometimes. And I never see Marshmallow or Shay anymore since they switched out of 1st hr band.

I'm seeing AM more than ever now, which I like, but it's bad for me. Yesterday I went and got high, again, for the second time in a row. I've never done it back-to-back before. And they wanted me to go with them today, but I had already made plans with Sarah. I'm seeing more and more weed, and I wish I had some right now.

Maybe I'll see if Jacob, my amazingly gay friend, wants to go do something tomorrow night.

I have that "milkshake" song stuck in my head, for the second day in a row. damn. the boys are waiting...

I wish I could write novels. I love staring at the screen, typing words, the sound of the keys clicking away.

I wish I would die in my sleep. I can't bear to think about the past or the future without having an anxiety attack. Fuck me in the ass.

not really

<<< lost && looking >>>

Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004