I have to get over these panic attacks. Something is triggering them, bad lately. I didn't finish my hw for physics this weekend because I wasn't home (with all-region and seeing my gma). I didn't want to go to physics yesterday, but finally forced myself to step in the door. Found out that I have two HUGE tests 6 and 7 Thursday, which means no college day Thursday. I was pissed amd stressed and freaked out. I sat there shaking and couldn't breathe and started crying. I'm sure they all think I'm a freak. We had a snow day today and I went to hobby lobby tonight. I didn't buy anything, but when I finally got back into my car, I couldn't breathe. It felt like everyone was watching me, and I hate that. Panic and anxiety attacks are the worst feeling in the world. I'm just so blessed that I get both of them.
I took all my gauges out today. I'm very sad. I want to put them back in, they look a lot better than normal earrings. But, I want to get my ears pierced again, and I don't think it'd be the best to get another (smaller) hole with a 14 and 10 also. WAAA.
He needs to get over me. I need to get over him. We need to move on with our lives. Nothing long-term will come out of this. It's not like we're going to get married; that would never work. I wish he didn't care about me. I wish I was just another face in the crowd. I wish he cared enough to snoop around and find out what's really bothering me. Wait, I know he really does care alot, but not concerned/care. That's it. He's not concerned about me.
If I can't love myself, then no one can. I won't let anyone. I don't want to be loved. I want to be alone in my self-pity. Lord knows i've got enough of it. I'm so fucking retarded.
I want out. Out of what though? Everything? relationships. Hurting people. work. school. life. People really wouldn't miss me if I were gone.
And with that, I shall say goodbye my loves.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004