"..So here
I am
Don't know
how to
say this.
The only
thing I
know is
awkward
silence.."

adios muchachas - 01.27.2004//7:28 pm

I wish my depression didn't hit so hard at night, when I'm alone. But it never fails. The later it gets, the worse it gets. Which is really fucked up because if it happened in the morning I'd have lots of people around me to help me feel better.

I have to get over these panic attacks. Something is triggering them, bad lately. I didn't finish my hw for physics this weekend because I wasn't home (with all-region and seeing my gma). I didn't want to go to physics yesterday, but finally forced myself to step in the door. Found out that I have two HUGE tests 6 and 7 Thursday, which means no college day Thursday. I was pissed amd stressed and freaked out. I sat there shaking and couldn't breathe and started crying. I'm sure they all think I'm a freak. We had a snow day today and I went to hobby lobby tonight. I didn't buy anything, but when I finally got back into my car, I couldn't breathe. It felt like everyone was watching me, and I hate that. Panic and anxiety attacks are the worst feeling in the world. I'm just so blessed that I get both of them.

I took all my gauges out today. I'm very sad. I want to put them back in, they look a lot better than normal earrings. But, I want to get my ears pierced again, and I don't think it'd be the best to get another (smaller) hole with a 14 and 10 also. WAAA.

He needs to get over me. I need to get over him. We need to move on with our lives. Nothing long-term will come out of this. It's not like we're going to get married; that would never work. I wish he didn't care about me. I wish I was just another face in the crowd. I wish he cared enough to snoop around and find out what's really bothering me. Wait, I know he really does care alot, but not concerned/care. That's it. He's not concerned about me.

If I can't love myself, then no one can. I won't let anyone. I don't want to be loved. I want to be alone in my self-pity. Lord knows i've got enough of it. I'm so fucking retarded.

I want out. Out of what though? Everything? relationships. Hurting people. work. school. life. People really wouldn't miss me if I were gone.

And with that, I shall say goodbye my loves.

<<< lost && looking >>>

Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004