"..So here
I am
Don't know
how to
say this.
The only
thing I
know is
awkward
silence.."

sdf - 01.28.2004//11:21 pm

I finally know what I am tired of. I am tired of people. I am tired of pretending and acting like I fucking care when I don�t. I am tired of these feelings of paranoia and burdening others. I am tired of judging other peoples motives when they ask me to go places and do things. I am tired of getting *that look*, that fucking look of pity because they know I am so fucked up. I am tired of changing friends just because they seem to all turn into bitches the minute I say something about myself and not about them. I am tired of going to bed at night because I know that I will just wake up again. I am tired of the same fucking routine every single day of my pathetic life. I am tired of not being able to cry. I am tired of lying to people: yes I skip and yes I do drugs, get the fuck over it. I am tired of pretending to be someone I am not. I am tired of smoking cigarettes and pot to get away from my problems. I am tired of not having a boyfriend, someone who truly 100% cares and worries about me. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF MY LIFE!

The thought of waking up in the morning is just too hard sometimes. I�m thinking of suicide more and more often. Not killing myself, but something just accidentally happening, you know. Accidentally on purpose. I�m starting to scare myself. When I�m driving around, I wonder how bad it would be to run into another car, or off into a tree. Trees are so appealing to me now. I think about all the knives in the house, and how great they would feel being pressed against my skin. That one little sting and then no more. I think about all the pills in our cabinet. How many would I have to take to not wake up? Pills are so fucking easy to swallow, too easy. And you never know just how many you take.

I would like to the the world to go fuck itself. I�m done with all its society bullshit. Shove it up your ass.

I told shane that I am so cold that I wish I would die. He said �nope, no killing of you� I said �please�. If only he could hear the desperation in my pleas.

<<< lost && looking >>>

Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004