HAPPY:
How have I fallen in love with him so quickly? He is amazing. It dawned on me tonight as he was leaving my house (being over here for 2 hours and all..). I was standing there in my old guard shirt and sweatpants, and felt more comfortable around him than ever. Usually I want to look my best and all..and I did at first. Then I changed and we laid on my bed and looked into eachother's eyes, and it was so perfect. Then my brother had to come in there and was in my room for the most part of 1 1/2 hours. If not, they were walking around and you can see my bed from my door, and if they walked by to go to the bathroom, check the heat, or go to bro's room they could see us. So it was obvious that they were checking up on us. Come on. I'd shut the door if we were doing anything. I'm rearranging my room tomorrow though ;)
ED&CUTTING:
He touched my stomach and I just said "please dont. you know why." and he didn't. I just wish for one minute he could see me as I see myself. I am so disgusting it's not funny. I feel like throwing up every time I look in a mirror. I'm thinking about painting over the one that's on my dresser. He kept saying "no, don't even say it, you're not." and all that shit. I wish I could believe him, I really do, but I just can't. It's such a mental roadblock for me. Maybe someday...far far in the future..
I forgot that I was wearing a short sleeved shirt. I had my head resting on my hand and my wrist turned towards him. The wrist I cut 2 days ago. At first he didn't notice, he was gazing into my eyes (I know..how romantic barf), but then I saw his eyes go from mine to my wrist. Then I remembered what a dumbass I am. Oh well, an X and 2 cuts isn't as bad as it's been. I wish he'd get online so I can ask him "you saw it didn't you?"
UNHAPPY:
I'm starting to scare myself. I've been thinking about suicide and dying every day for a while now. I'm actually coming up with ways and plans now, as you can obviously see from in here. When he was about to leave, he said 'ok i'll see ya tomorrow' I said 'maybe. maybe i'll die' and actually meant it. I don't want to live. I am tired of living. I'm tired of putting up with all this bullshit that people give me, that I give myself. He said he'd be sad if I died. And really, I just blew that off too "nah he wouldn't be that sad" What the fuck is wrong with me?!
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. The more I think about it, the more that I want to end it. I don't want to have to get fucked up every day just to make it through till bed. Yesterday it was more hydrocodone..Today it was weed laced with Zanex. What next? I was just thinking about it..my friend is scoring lots of weed to get rid of. I could buy a quarter for $30, a pipe that will last a few times for $3, and I'd be in business. Hell, I could sit outside my house and smoke it during lunch, so long as my cop-neighbor isn't home. I really think I'm going to buy it. I can't keep running from my problems, from my life. But it's so easy to smoke it all away. Or how about snorting hydrocodone? Anyone know about that?
Oh god. I want pot in me right now. That's the bad thing about smoking it, wait about 12 hours and you can practically taste it in your mouth. I think I'll pop a few hydro in the morning to make it to lunch. I don't think anyone would notice if I start getting fucked up every day.
I am not a druggie. I do not have problems. I am perfectly fine. If you met me on the street you'd think I was the most together person. But I'm not. And I need help, but I have no where to turn. I don't know how much longer I can last like this...
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004