Words can't even express how I feel right now. I'm so hurt, and I'm not sure why. This makes the 4th time we've broken up. I don't want it to be the last, I don't want to lose you.
You have so much control over me, and you don't know it. I fucking lost my virginity to you. You mean the world to me, and I really didn't realize that until it was over. You could have said 'fall off this bridge' and I would have in a heartbeat. You are my stability, my world.
Sam made a good point today. I was afraid to give my all to you before because I was afraid that you would hurt me. I finally gave you everything, and I guess it just wasn't enough. I got hurt, and I don't like it. I'm sorry that I hurt you before. I'm sorry that I ever did anything with you. I'm sorry for everything, and you will never know it.
I would like to know why you broke up with me. Something tells me that kissing Cole was just your excuse, you never actually gave me a reason as to why you broke up with me. What did I do? I was falling so hard back into my eating disorder last week, it was consuming my mind. And now this, I've been too upset to eat, and when I do I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I just want to go sit in a dark corner and never come out. I know that life will go on. I wish there was closure on this. I keep smiling and laughing at school, I keep making plans to keep my mind off of you. But you don't see that this is killing me inside. I don't know if you still want to be friends with me or what. If I talk to you though I'm going to want to be with you. I told you that I would stay out of your life. It's so hard, because you were a big part of mine. I'd just like to know how you're feeling about everything right now.
Why is this time hurting so much more than all the other times? Why are you so hard to get over now? I really think Sam is right, I DID give you everything, and it just got thrown back in my face. I had finally gotten to where I trusted guys again after my father, and now this. I don't want another relationship. I'm just going to get hurt again.
I keep telling myself that this is my fault, that I shouldn't have kissed Cole. I think maybe AM told you that I was thinking about breaking up with you. I keep blaming me, because it IS all my fault. I'm nothing but a stupid, selfish, dirty whore. I don't deserve to live. Nor do I want to.
When is this going to stop hurting? When am I going to be able to see you as a friend and not more? When can I stop feeling my heart break every time AM mentions your name?
And part of me wishes that you would find this somehow.
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
This is all what I would like to tell him, but I won't. There is no more. You don't know how hard it was today to see him upset and me not go put my arms around him. I DO think I deserve an explaination though. That's the least he could give me. I've cried so much these past 3 days. Would it be stupid to write him a letter and ask him what happened? I would ask him during 5th, the only time I see him, but since Tuesday he's not been in there. I only see him right before 1st. I guess that leaves the letter.
Why hasn't J called me yet? She's my best friend! I have to go kidnap her. Come on, call me. I've still got school in the morning!
And Cole? I'm going to tell him that there's no way that I can get into another relationship right now. Things need to remain the way they are right now. Fuck me for hurting everyone.
AM told me about the prom thing at lunch. (I don't think I'm going, I couldn't bear to see him there with another girl). I was so upset and depressed that I snorted, took a hydrocodone, and took a Darvocet. I was still so pissed that I cut some more. It bled so much, more than ever before. I couldn't even feel it I was so dead. The gashes, they are quite lovely.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004