"..So here
I am
Don't know
how to
say this.
The only
thing I
know is
awkward
silence.."

it's over it's over it's over - 04.13.2004//3:45 pm

I told him, face to face, that I got drunk friday night and I kissed cole and I regret it. He said "okay..as long as you regret it, that's all that matters". We both went to lunch with our respective friends. I was freaking out on Rob. Half way through lunch I got these text messages:

I've been thinking a lot and I think we have a lot going on right now and we should straighten up our lives before we pursue our relationship any further.

I said "you know this is final. We can't go out any more"

If that's how you feel then maybe its for the best. I will always care about you and will be here for you

Fuck you. He didn't even tell me to my face. Whatever. Of course I'm sad, and hurt, and mad, and confused on how to feel.

I don't even want to talk about AM right now.

But you know what? I'm going to turn this around and make me come out on top. Sure, it's my loss, but at the same time I'm NOT going to sit around and feel sorry for myself and eat ice cream, like I was planning to at lunch.

I'm going to clean my room. I'm going to rearrange the clothes in my closet. And if my aunt can't do my hair for prom, I'm going to go cut it off. I'm going to diet and exercise and look GREAT.

And about prom. Nothing was really ever said about it anyway. The only time he mentioned it was when he asked me, back in January. So whatever. I think I'm going to ask Rob if he wants to go with me, because he was planning on going but didn't have a date. Plus, he's my really good friend. He's helped me a lot throughout all of this.

I'm going to do what I want to do, not what I think others expect me to do. I have 2 1/2 weeks left of my entire high school career. I should not worry about other people, for once in my life. I'm going to live up these last 2 1/2 weeks.

This has given me the motivation to make myself better, both inside and out. I'm really thinking about going back to therapy. Oh about that, I just kinda quit going to DrC. It's been over 4 months. I hope I don't have to go get another doctor's note to be readmitted for insurance, but I probably will. I'm going to exercise every day, I'm going to get a great body that everyone, myself included, will love. Hell, I may even quit smoking. It's so gross anyway.

I am not, I repeat, NOT, going to let this get me down.

<<< lost && looking >>>

Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004