Ok so I told shane face-to-face that I was drunk and kissed Cole. He said as long as a regretted it, then everything was okay. Well of course I did. We went off with our respective friends and then I get a text telling me that he wants to break up with me. Ok..I figured it had something to do with his friends telling him shit. I asked him why he said that it was okay and then broke up with me. he said "because I didn't realize what happened until lunch" uh, friends definately had something to do with it.
Blah blah, fast forward to Friday night (ok early sat morning). He calls me at 1, keep in mind this is the first time that I had talked to him since Tuesday. I just asked him what changed his mind about it being okay, and he said "well andy kept bringing up good points about us.." Basically I found out that it WAS his friends. He also said "They all kept telling me that I don't need a relationship in high school, that I should just live it up, and I think they're right" Well I'm glad to see that I meant a lot to you. I ended up crying and getting off the phone.
I didn't go to sleep until 2:30, and I had to be up at 6 to go to state choir contest. We got two 99 and a 98, exactly what we got a region. Dunno if we beat everyone or not. Probably not, that's the worst we've done, ever. While sitting on the bus, I wrote a letter, and then text'd it to him (since I wasnt going to get to see him or talk to him).
Oh I might want to explain the kissing thing. We were all plastered and decided to play truth or dare with these cards Jake has. So AM gets one that says kiss the person to your left. Well, you know where I was sitting...it was just lips pressed together, nothing more!
I kissed Cole like I did AM. I didn't know what I was doing, being drunk shouldnt be an excuse. I dont want to be with anyone else but you. You have no idea how much i regret it. I finally gave you my whole heart, got over getting hurt, and look now. Christ, I lost my virginity to you. If you want to talk then call me. I wont call you because it's too hard to pretend everything's okay. I'm not going to beg you to forgive me and take me back, it's your decision. I messed up and I'll hate myself forever. Maybe they're right, it won't work. I was hoping they were wrong. It's your life.
There was a little more but I don't want to put it up here. So he calls me at like 2 in the morning, but since I had 3 1/2 hrs of sleep I had gone to bed at 12, and didn't answer it. I woke up at 3am because my mouth was hurting, and checked my phone. There was a voicemail from him saying to call him when I got it. Yeah well I waited until noon to text him asking him what he wanted. He said he needed to talk to me. I told him that if it was important then he needs to tell me in person. 1 1/2 hrs later I'm sitting at the park looking at him : /
He told me he was so sorry for what all has happened this past week. He told me that he cried :( Well don't I feel like a bitch. Alright, this thing is getting boring I know, so I'll sum it up. All his friends keep telling him that I'm not worth it, that he shouldn't trust me and shit. He started believing them. I'd still like to know exactly what they said about me, but he conveniently doesn't remember exactly. I think Andy told him last night that he was a dumbass for wanting to work things out with me, because Shane told him to shut the fuck up and left..I just want to know what Andy's problem is with me. I haven't done anything to him, I've only talked to him once. The only thing I can think of is that his relationships don't work out, maybe he's jealous? Whatever, he's an ass and I'm never going to like him.
When he was done telling me all of this I just said "I don't know what to think. What now?" He wants me to go back out with him, but said he understood if I didnt. I was sitting there thinking 'of course I want you!' but didn't say anything. I wish I could just f-n erase this entire week, pretend that nothing happened. Obviously something did, and there's a lot more that we need to talk about before ANY decisions are made.
He told me that he didn't like me smoking pot. I said "well too bad because I'm not going to stop". Especially since I did Friday night, last night with J. Of course several times Tuesday (4-20). Thursday I have plans with J again involving it. It's sad that I've been fucked up every night since Tuesday? I also cut twice since then. I'm not happy about that, it had been since Feb 11th.
Why in the fucking hell is my life so messed up? Oh yeah, to make this week even better, I started my period wednesday. Combine that with the stress, and trying to diet and exercise, I have been one hell of a Bitch. Everyone's been telling me that this week. Codie even wrote "Megan, stop being a bitch to everyone" on my physics folder.
Bleh. i'm off to clean and study.
I just realized that my email address link on here was wrong. Oops. it's fixed now fyi.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004