I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of leaving diaryland. I've become so close with so many people here, I can't imagine not reading Thomas or Irving or Melia or Patsy or Shana (who was the first diary I read). But I've got to try something different. My gold membership runs out in 28 days, and then it's going to suck. Maybe I'll come back. I'll definately still come back to read on my friends.
You have no idea how incredibly lonely I am here. I have so many friends here but not one of them truly understands me, not like you all do. Am I even too fucking weak to leave an internet site? I couldn't leave TF and I can't leave here. How pathetic.
I am feeling worse and worse about myself right now. I've got to go write in my diary and then go to bed so I can get up for band in the morning. God I just hate everything right now!
I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of doing. I wrote a suicide note the other day, with instructions and passwords for here and such, just in case. Just in case what? Just in case I actually get past the breaking point. I can see it looming in the distance as I slowly approach it.
I don't know how to deal with my feelings anymore. I was happy with Shane. And then I was too stoned every single day to care. Now I haven't been high this month and it's all creeping back. These stupid feelings, the ones from 9th grade.
Am I ever going to be okay with myself? Am I ever going to get over everything that's happened? How in the hell do I face my father? I didn't even call him on father's day, but maybe he got the hint that he's not a father, rather someone who doesn't give a fuck about anything but himself.
This, I'm afraid, may be my last plea for help. I need to get help or I'm going to go past the breaking point. I don't know how to ask for it. I can't just say "mom I'm going back to therapy", it wont happen. Maybe when I turn 18 I'll go back, so I can be completely honest with her instead of fearing that she's relaying everything back to my mom.
I'm going to go. What the hell am I going to do?
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004