So everything has been messed up lately. Hmm, where do I start?
I've been high 12 out of the last 13 days. This past week it's been 2 or more times a day. And I'm STILL not out of pot. I need to quit.
Friday night was..interesting. We all were high at Jake's. Then Cole wanted to go to bed so I told him I needed to talk to him. I casually followed him into his room and shut the door. I sat on his bed and told him that I like him but I didn't want to lead him on. He said he wanted the anticipation. We held hands and kinda made out. He laid there and said he was happy, and asked if I was.
You know, I wasn't. It didn't feel right. That's all I was thinking about, Shane. I just smile and said yes. NO!! Doing that just made me want to be with Shane more.
She asked me what happened and I told her we just talked, and kept saying that. I don't know if she believed me or not..She called me today and said "Just talking huh?" I asked her who told her that we were kissing and she said "the only other person who would know what happened" Mother Fucker! Christ on a cracker!
I realized when we kissed that I don't like him. No one but Shane. And I don't know how to tell Cole this. He called me last night while I was with J and told me to come over and see him cause "we need to talk". Yeah, I know we do. But I was so stoned I couldn't drive. So he's going to expect me tomorrow. Damn.
So yesterday was prom. I went to get ready at Jennifer's house. Hair appt at 2:30, a french twist with curls. She 'teased' my hair, which is when you brush going up instead of down. THAT was a bitch to get out this morning in the shower. 26 bobbie pins! My mom went to Harp's, where I got my boutineer, because I was in my dress and didn't want to get out. I ordered a white carnation with silver glitter and babys' breath. She comes out with 2 pink roses. I freaked out and told her to go back in there and get it fixed, because I was already pressed for time and had to go to Mary's to see Jennilou at work. I go to work and show off everything, they pin my dress to my bra because it was altered too big :< Go back to Harp's, and still ended up with 2 boutineer's. I go pick up Rob since he doesn't drive, and he already had a boutineer, and a corsage (sp?) for me. Damn it, I went through all of that just to not even use them! We go to eat at Sasafrass, italian bleh since I work at an italian restaurant.
Prom sucked. I dance with Rob only once, and that made me realize how much I wanted to be with Shane. So it sucked from then on. It didn't help that every 5 seconds someone asked me where shane was, because we came together right? And then I saw one of his best friends and felt like such a fucking loser. By 10:30, I was about to have another panic attack. I started crying to Jennifer, saying how this was my senior prom, i'm supposed to be with the one that i love, it's supposed to be so magical and all. Well it blew. I told rob that I was about to have an attack, and took him home. Then I went to see J and we got stoned, again. Griped to her about everything. Went home and went to bed.
I should have been out partying and not coming home. My mom should have been home wondering what I was doing. When I went to bed at 1:30am she still wasn't home :( Oh well whatever. It's just messed up.
Today I got up at noon, took a shower, and went with my mom to see my g-ma. It was kinda nice just me and her, she can be really cool when she wants to be. We were sitting at a stop light on the way home and I said "lets get drunk tonight" and she actually went for it. I gave her my money in the car in the parking lot so it wouldn't look suspicious, and it felt like when I do that with cigarettes lol. We bought a 6 pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade. I said "oh come on, it wont make you drunk or anything, it tastes sweet" She said "wait, I don't want to know how you know that" and gave me this devious smile. haha, I love my mommie sometimes. We didn't drink them though, not yet.
She gave me 2 ultram because my head was hurting and that's all she had. They're still kicking my ass 8 hours later. It felt like I was drunk for a while, now I feel like I havent eaten in days, that dizzy feeling. And plus, I'm stoned. It's great. I want to go to sleep.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004