Tomorrow I will be 17. Big deal. I wish I could just skip the entire day, that no one would remember that I am something special, because I am not. I am a waste of everyone' s time.
Can you tell my mood slipped yet? Oh but you will. This is one of those entries to people that I know, sorry.
I hope you realize that you left me tonight, when I needed to talk to you, when you said you'd be there. I want to cry right now but you don't know that. I'm sure you'll have some excuse tomorrow.
I just wish so badly that everything would disappear. Poof, gone, no more things to deal with. I may not get off for homecoming. I did bad on my physics test (80%). I feel so stupid in all of my classes.
My headache/migrane has not gone away. I've had it for over a week now. I was taking excederine migrane, but I think that's just making everything worse. Monday my head hurt so bad that I couldn't pick it up off my desk the last 3 classes. That medicine is making me sick. I was so shakey today, I couldn't focus my eyes, no matter how hard I tried. I was shaking so hard in math that I couldn't hold my pencil. I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow after school. Something isn't right. Maybe I'll die...
The girl I got Makenzie from, she died today in a car accident. I don't know what happened. But nothing is making sense right now. I can't even express what I think about this. I just don't understand anything right now. God.
Why is everyone dying? I hate death.
Why won't you fucking talk to me?
Is it so bad to give up on life? Where's the pause button on this hellish ride?
I hate that word, dead. So hurtful, cuts to the bone. So weird typing "she died" So weird knowing that I know this person who has to preceed Died.
So easily I can disconnect my feelings towards death. I just dont think about it, I don't know the person. I do this a lot, and it's probably not healthy. I did this when my g-ma had her accident, I did/still do this with my aunt (AD). I'm doing it now. I will probably do it for the rest of my life.
I hate my birthday for many reasons. Because I dont want people to care about me; I am such a burden to everyone. Because I hate my dad and he wants to be part of my life. Because my g-ma should be here. She should have picked out a crazy card and write something sweet in it. She should have signed it. And she cant. You have no idea how hard that is. I can't even explain it.
I want to tell Shane all these things. That he is the best thing that's happened to me. That I can't understand what he sees in me.
"I can handle this but I can't handle anything else" ~msi
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004