for some reason i can't help but think about death today. Death and funerals. (Sidenote: at the church service at the nursing home yesterday he kept talking about death and funerals..to a bunch of old crippled people..) I saw my AD yesterday for the first time in 2 months. She looks awful. She's the one with the cancer(s). She had breast cancer, then it went to the sac around her lungs, then it was in her brain pressing against her eyes for a while. They think that it might be back in her brain and that it's probably spread to her stomach/intestines now. She looked like a starving child. The most severe anorexic. I couldn't help but stare. Except for her stomach. She looks 6 months pregnant. it is so awful and I just wanted to cry when she walked in. They think the reason her doctor's letting her go up and see my g-ma is that she needs to say her goodbye's. I mean, after everything she's been through, this might be it.
*breathes deeply*
And my g-ma. When will she die? I don't want her to but I know she will eventually. Jesus I feel like satan when i say that. But really I don't want this to be normal. I don't want this to be normal because when she does die it's going to make it that much harder. I miss her so much.
My "father". The one that I despise. The one that I wish would die. I talked to my mom for a while yesterday about him and things. He asked for the divorce so he could run off with Bitch. He more verbally abused her than physically, but he hit her sometimes. She said "I tried not to provoke him because I was afraid". Then I asked about child support. Even when they aren't together he still has a grip on her. I asked her why she didn't go back to court and get more from him. She said this: "well 1) he could quit his job and not pay at all, or 2) I...I'm afraid of what he might do. He could come back and shoot my ass." She's terrified of him. I hate him. He is such a bastard. I wish he would die, and i've never meant it more than when my mom told me that stuff last night. I've never hated anyone as much as I hate him. I don't even think I'd cry at his funeral. I couldn't stand listening to everyone say how wonderful he was when he *breathes deeply again*
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004