I am so dead inside. Completely numb. It scares me because I need to feel something because of all the shit that went down. But maybe it's good because I would have cried all last night and right now.
Ugh, AM didn't even call me, I called her. She said she didn't care if I came over and that she didn't want me bored. Those should have been my red flags right there. I was just going to stay a minute, I really was. And they poured me 2 huge shots of vodka and I downed them. And Brad kept making more mixed shots and handing them too me. The world was spinning.
I went there to babysit everyone, they sure needed it. Then everything happened and they were babysitting me. Keep in mind all this shit happened within an hour and 15 minutes.
Cole was there last night. I should have left when I saw him. I really should have. Because I was so drunk I couldn't sit up straight so I was laying on his shoulder. I think I put my hand on his leg a time or two while saying something. Oh yeah he was pretty tipsy as well. I asked him to make out with me. He said no cause we're both drunk. I said "pleeeeease?" and he gave me a kiss. No tongue or anything, just quick so I don't think I'm going to count it (Okay yes I am because my lips touched his) Then AM drug me outside.
That's when the shit fucking hit the fan and splattered to Japan. haha, that rhymed.
She said that I needed to stop hanging all over Cole because I have a boyfriend. She said that Dustin heard me say "lets go to your room" I swear up and down on someone's grave that I didn't say that, yet they all think that I was too drunk to remember. I fucking remember what I said and that was not one of them. Keep in mind I was very plastered and upset now and things were just coming out of my mouth. When she said 'you have shane' I said "well maybe I don't want him!" and AM left while Jake came out to talk to me. I said the same shit. Jake said "you have shane, he's wonderful" and I said "I don't fucking want him!" and went and sat back down on the couch. Cole was like "you have a boyfriend still?" (he thought we broke up during spring break) Dustin said "Megan, listen to me. I've been cheated on before.." and I cut him off by saying "I'm not having this conversation right now" and went to the bathroom. Seriously, if the world wouldn't have been spinning still, I would have left and drove around.
LA came in there a few minutes later and I told her everything. She just said "Meg, I know. But you were all over Cole and that's not fair to Shane. You know AM still likes Cole a LOT" 'funny considering she says she doesn't until he likes someone else/someone else likes him.' I really should keep my mouth shut, but I was beyond wasted. I just knew that AM was pissed at me. I was afraid to go in there and talk to her, but I did. I shut the door and we talked and everything was okay considering we were both trashed. I went back out and Jake said "I thought we'd hear yelling and stuff but instead you were laughing.."
I sat down and told Cole I was sorry and shouldn't have said or done any of those things. I just felt like I ruined everyone's night because I said and did all that stuff. They kept saying I didn't, but maybe they were lying.
I said "I don't want to be here. I need to go home" and they told me the fastest was to sober up was to puke. So into the bathroom I went. I put my fingers down my throat, thinking 'wow back to this again am I?', and pushed. Once I gagged myself it all came out. I mean, I was involuntarily puking because of the taste (don't EVER puke vodka, EVER..) Went out, felt a little better. Nothing was spinning, I could walk in a straight line, and I could follow Dustin's finger, so they let me leave with a cigarette. Came home and passed out.
My hands still smell like puke. Gross. I've got to take a shower in a min anyway.
AM called me this morning and was high and said "is it weird that last night I had a plan to hit on Cole" and went on and on about liking him and shit. I just wanted to yell "stop! Do you not remember what happened last night?" but I just said 'nah, you were drunk. we all were'.
I don't know what in the hell I'm going to do about anything. Everything is so confusing. And last night he said "yea i can be out all night" and i text'd back "im drunk. do you want me to text you when im' home" and he said "whatever. i dont care. i'm in a great mood." That pissed me off, but maybe it was mostly alcohol because I said "You dont care? fuck you" then he kept saying he didn't mean it like that. and he sent this (wait gotta get my phone): "i love you more than you'll ever know baby"
What the hell do I do about him? Seriously, if I stay with him for very much longer, I'm going to cheat on him. I know that is so awful to say or think.
I'm so depressed I'm eating peanut butter out of the jar.
I want so much more from life than this.
Closing the door, once and for all - 07.25.2004
random crap, and yes I suck. - 07.20.2004
fuck everyone - 07.18.2004
On Religion - 07.12.2004
Getting it all out - 07.11.2004